KIAAIIIII

...When I was like 17 years old…1st year of college in Spain. A good friend of mine told me about enrolling in a gym that was in the basement of the college building. They were teaching Karate. K A R A T E 

Ok...am talking about the late 70 ´s and Karate films were big those years.

To be honest. Going to a movie theater to watch a karate movie …and be able to get back home safe …It was a total success. Guys started kicking each other in the hall of the theater...  right after crossing the exit doors …talking about violence.

So ….myself with barely 150 pounds of invisibles muscles (they were there…somewhere I was sure…) was crazy to learn kicks and punches and take my revenge on those bullies everywhere.

Besides. Those classes were specially priced for students….so with no hesitation I did enrolled the course….sweet talked my parents into buying me the kimono and the white belt and there I was ….dressed to kill…

What I didn’t know was that karate takes time….plenty time doing nothing but running and pushups and sit-ups and all kinds of exercises…leaving me exhausted and full of sore …stiff muscles… (years later Miyagi –san did the same to an eager Ralph Macchio…making him wax on…wax off …remember that movie???…)

Walking painfully home was another burden. Word has spread around I was taking classes and guys from my neighborhood were making fun of me.

And men….with those sore legs…last thing I wanted that moment was raise a leg to kick some butts…

( That lack of respect lasted a few weeks only …from the day I “ fake “ a kick in one of those kid´s belly level they stopped …so I was able to reach home in less than 5 days ….school was a mile away...but the soreness make it seems like eternal….).

Karate lessons were boring too. They teach us a routine called “ kata “ and so we practiced katas again and again …the first four or five katas we were very actives…..we were even shouting Kiaaaaaaiiiiiii¡¡¡¡¡

You know…that scream that supposed to release some power. Kiaaiiiii ¡¡¡

After 30 mins of Katas…you would barely hear us going…..mmmmmhhhh….more like the noise I make now when I try to get up from the couch and go to the fridge to get me a beer….mmmmmhhhh…

But not all…nope….we have a student…and he was a “machine”…..he was taking each and every exercise to the maximum. Well as you all can imagine…we already gave him a nickname…of course…

…Bruce Lee.

Bruce Lee was the perfect student….for our Sensei (teacher). He was always set as an example….

….Come on guys…another 10 sit ups…. (class complaining ) ….ohhhhwwsss….

….all of you …look at him….and there he was…shining with sweat and proud ….making his sit ups…Bruce…

So we hated him….we hate him the guts…teacher fav….Sensei pet…

Dojo was not a fancy gym….like you see in movies…they were no Buddhas or ornaments…it was a basement…..white plastered walls ...and a huge foam mat. And pending from the ceiling a punching bag filled with some like 100 kilos of garbanzo peas.

Days were passing by and we were training for the belts test…In martial arts you star as white belt….to yellow….orange…etc…We were all white belts. Even Bruce Lee….thought I overhead he already bought the full collection….to the black belt…the machine….Bruce Lee….

Those days in the city …a number or rapes started to happen….News made echoes and all of the sudden the Dojo was getting full of women. They wanted to protect themselves…Was strange see them the first day wearing the kimono and all the make up….After a few katas they all look like a panda bear…..or a raccoon…

Kind of mean faces. When the Sensei told us to “FIGHT “...you know….faking punches and kicks….we were scared.

For two reasons…..one… the face….see that big panda screaming Kiaaaaiiii and coming to you…sometimes made me look for a shelter…

Second… we were afraid of hurting them. Face is a NO NO….so we hit each other’s in the body….groin is allowed but ….hey ¡¡¡….we are all gents….so it was a pact among gentleman’s… don’t kick the groin….

But when you have those girls as opponents…you really didn’t know where to kick…or punch…

You’d see them pointing all the parts of their bodies you were NOT allowed to hit…the face...NO….the breast NO….the belly ( motherhood hazard ) NO….finally was a small portion….some like 3 squares inches above the leg near the butt….that you might kick….and then she turns sideways…no way

It was sort of a drag for all of us …except for Bruce….Bruce didn’t pay attention to those spots….he hit them….strongly…painfully…so girls avoid him all the time…Bruce didn’t care…he was “the machine”…

Mean...lean….kicking…machine…

One day after a few katas….all the girls went up to the Sensei…please…please…teach us what to do if a man assault us….they are many rape cases now in the town….

So finally….he accept giving some advises….and one ( please…do not take this tale….ask professionals…am not…so don’t follow this advice unless you checked with a pro ) he’d said that a way to avoid rape ( of course if you can….no guns or weapons ) is to look for a wall…and lay tight close to the wall facing the aggressor…ready to use your hands…but with your back stuck to the wall lying on the ground so you might be able to make the rape very difficult. Others advices of course….running….cry for help….cry fire…or fake vomit… (He has to be very twisted to keep “rape mode “seeing someone vomiting )

Back to the story…so here we have… Bertha with the kimono and a handbag hung in her shoulder…..strolling around the dojo….waiting for her…..rapist….

…and guess who was the honored one….yes…you got it…

…Bruce ¡¡¡ …

Bruce did hide behind he garbanzo pea bag…waiting for his prey ….and the moment Bertha was coming around …Bruce jumped in the path….with a terrible scream…Kiiaaaaiiiiii ¡¡¡

Well Bertha ...instead of screaming…yelling or crying…she started laughing uncontrollably.

And boy….that pissed Bruce…

Who was that woman to laugh at the “machine”? He was angry….mad…he was Bruce….

He grabbed the girl….wrestled her to the ground...and he was ready to perform his vile act….

Suddenly the girl got smart….she started rolling in the floor….towards the walls…with the kimono…she looked like a giant cannelloni… (In Spanish she was doing the “croqueta“).

So Bruce was coming at her. He was trying to kick her with a karate kick named Kakato Geri (Geri is kick in Japanese ….do not misunderstand with Richard Geri ( Gere ) …he is defending the Tibet no Japan ).

Kakato Geri is a vertical kick. You raise the leg very high and slam it down to kick from above.

Bertha was stuck in the wall….lying in the ground….back firmly against the wall….and hands like claws waiting to scratch the criminal face.

Bruce didn’t know what to do…She was too close to the wall…a pitiful look over the Sensei…asking him what to do….Sensei was like Cómodo in Gladiator. Poker face he gesture to Bruce….thumbs down ….finish her….

Bruce lifted the leg….frontal…head level….and with a strong yank ..leg started falling down….

By the chest height… leg got his momentum…Bruce eyes were squinting….face was covered in sweat beads…mouth in a rictus….

And then a terrific scream…..Kiaaaiiiiaaaaaagghhhhh…. AAAAARRRRGGGGG ¡¡¡¡¡

….And blood….blood ??? we see blood…we all look to Betha s face but she was fine. Then we all looked at Bruce …and Bruce was looking down….to… his feet…

Then we all looked to the wall and there it was….Bruce´s big toe nail and some flesh stuck in the wall….

The kick went down too close to the wall…..leaving the nail in the plastered….ouch ¡¡¡

Class exploded in laughing….shouting and clapping….Karma….Bruce got beaten by a wall…

...Bruce got more angry even….he looked at all of us like we did killed her momma-san

Angry as he was he turned around….and running (even with the bleeding toe) he jumped and performed some perfect flying kick…hitting the garbanzo punching bag….with some tremendous force.

Garbanzos Bag performed a perfect arc….hit the ceiling….broke the chain….and fall …

On top of….Bruce…

And there he was ….arms and legs spread out under 100 kilos of garbanzos….knocked out.

Bruce R.I.P…

Of course he missed the test…doctors say it was a small concussion….no yellow belt for Bruce…neither for me…I failed some college test so parents made me quit the dojo.

But now….every time am zapping and see a Bruce Lee movie….I surprise myself smiling….remembering those days…

And with a Kiaaaiiiii….I try to lift my butt from the couch…go to the fridge and get me a cold beer…..

Kiaaaiiiiii ¡¡¡¡